I’ve been thinking a lot about kids ever since I went to see a play called “Lungs” last summer. It’s about two hyper-intellectuals deciding whether or not they should have a kid based on their social and environmental responsibilities. The play was a bit dated (circa 2006–they were far more concerned with carbon emissions than trash or limited resources back then), but it brought up interesting points about first-world, middle-to-upper-class family planning. Generally: is it good for the world to have a child?
I’ve always known I wanted a family.
My mom tells the story of when I was six and I came to her in tears because my grandmother told me I was going to be a doctor and I couldn’t imagine being a doctor and having babies. Apparently, I was a weirdly insightful six year old. But it’s true: with the exception of one bad summer as a nanny for a truly horrendous family, I’ve always seen myself becoming a mom someday.
But the decision to have kids is not as simple as it once was. The world does not need more people. Not only does each human take an incredible toll on the environment, but there are so many children who need parents and don’t have them.
And yet…
Here I am, like so many other people through the ages, wanting to have children.
I want to get preggers, give birth, and see half of my genes continue on in another generation. This base desire is the whole reason species continue to exist over time. In addition, I am physically capable of accomplishing this goal, making it all the more difficult to plan not to have children.
However, my desire for a family goes beyond biology. Family is a fundamental part of my identity. I am friends with my siblings; I have a good relationship with both of my parents. They’re there for me through thick and thin, no matter the situation. I wouldn’t be where I am today without them.
Unfortunately, not everyone has a family. In my opinion, having a steady support system is the biggest privilege a person can have regardless of race, gender, or socio-economic class. The current system puts parentless children at risk of abuse and neglect. If I could keep even one child out of an abusive environment by providing a safe, loving, and nurturing home, I would.
I can. So I will.
Luckily, I get to decide whether or not I want to have kids the old fashioned way or through adoption.
I’m lucky enough to live in a place where family planning is encouraged and attainable. It is a privilege and I’m not about to waste it. I have no doubt that the legalities of adopting a child will be more difficult than giving birth to one, but it is something I want to pursue because I am willing and able.
In NO way do I judge other people for wanting to have kids.
I cannot stress this enough: having children is natural. I just believe in choice, specifically choosing the way you want (or don’t want) to create a family. I can only ask that you extend the same courtesy to me.
I couldn’t agree with you more. If only I could get my husband on board 🙁
Thanks for reading, Jacky. Is your husband looking to have kids the old fashioned way, or just doesn’t want kids at all? Maybe send him this blog post 😉
This is such a personal decision, and not as simple as it looks from the outside. Family is a huge part of my identity, too. Originally I wanted to have 4 kids, but we ended up deciding that 2 was enough. I thought originally I would want to adopt beyond bio kids, but when presented with the realities of parenting, and watching some of my friends navigate adoption, I’ve come to realize adoption is not something I personally wish to pursue. If somehow a kid ended up in my household (family or friends passing away or becoming incapacitated, for example), I would definitely welcome said children with open arms, and my hope is to be one of those neighborhood parents who is known to have space for any kids who need it.
But our foster/adoption legal system is so screwed up right now, and I don’t have the patience or passion to pursue that. One friend in Seattle tried to adopt twice. The first baby she received mere days after birth, raised for his first year, and then in month 11, a sister of one of the parents decided she wanted the child, and he was shipped off to Virginia. They tried again with a different family, again receiving the baby within days of birth, and basically the same thing happened, only at least this time the sister was local to Seattle, so at least they get to see their son still.
Finally, they ended up adopting a discarded embryo who was born via surrogate – that was the only way they could adopt and guarantee the child wouldn’t be taken from them in the 11th (month) hour (fertility issues precluded her carrying the child herself).
Another friend here in the Chicago area has been fostering a child for over a year, with the intent by both her and the birth mother for her to adopt, and she still can’t adopt him because the birth father keeps coming in and out of the picture, sometimes disappearing for months at a time, but refuses to completely surrender parental rights, mostly to spite the birth mother. They’ve had something like 6 different social workers in the last year.
Just saying – some folks choose to have bio children because dealing with our foster/adopt system in the US is such a cluster, even if their original intent was to adopt.
It is a very personal decision, and I never hold anyone to that standard considering the emotional, financial, and mental toll it takes in America’s current adoption system. I’m hoping I will be strong enough to hold true to my goal!